Jet Jaguar is the Greatest Toho Character EVER... Wait, Come Back!
By Daniel XIII
Let me get this right out of the way, I possess an opinion so unpopular among Godzilla fans I’m surprised that I haven’t been dragged to the town square and branded with a giant “G” on my cheek like some sort of kaiju lovin’ Hester Prynne (well I don’t “love” the kaiju quite like big H “loved” that priest, but you catch my drift). So, what is the heinous, unfathomable, dare I say traitorous, preference that your ol’ pal The Ouija Board Kid Daniel XIII harbors? Why it’s none other than the fact that I think Jet Jaguar is the single best character to ever have come from those mad geniuses at Toho (which was kinda given away by the title of this thing, but maybe you can pretend you didn’t read it or something).
And, there go 90% of Cool Ass Cinema’s
readers…
Well, to the 5
of you that are either too drunk to click the little “X” that
will close this blasphemous text or those that are staring at the
soft glow of your monitor like slack jawed gawkers at the site of a
particularly gnarly car wreck, let’s talk a little bit about why I
think Double J is such a cool cat.
Simply put, Jet Jaguar encapsulates
everything that films about giant creatures destroying cities (or
dusty fields with one or two trees) should be, at least to me;
colorful, surreal and filled with a child’s unrestricted design
aesthetic. I simply don’t understand folks that aren’t
immediately drawn to a premise like; giant cockroach/beetle released
by a long lost undersea kingdom fights a giant lizard and a robot
with a mile-wide shit eatin’ grin with the help of his cybernetic
space bird friend with a buzz saw belly. C’mon, how does that not
put a smile on your face? I know, I know…it’s not the grim,
depressing tale of an H-bomb surrogate, orphan resultin’, slaverin’
super beast that the series started as (and for the record, I dig
that iteration of Godzilla as well), but sometimes things just cry
out to be smacked in the gob with the whiffle ball bat of ridiculous.
And at the swirling, phantasmagoric, day-glow heart of the maelstrom
of preposterous stands a primary hued sentinel of awesome with his
shark-fin head raised high in pure defiance of logic, reason or (most
importantly) adult sensibilities.
What child hasn’t dreamed of having
someone in their lives that would provide to them a sense of
over-whelming security? A true-blue, unwavering protector that could
smash the monsters under the bed, hold them high on their shoulders,
and make them feel like nothing in this cold world could ever cause
them harm. Well, let me tell ya Jack, that is some “universal
theme” material right there, and Godzilla vs. Megalon, the film in
which Jet Jaguar appeared, hints pretty strongly that it’s young
protagonist Rokuro doesn’t have the most stable of home lives. He
appears to be under the guardianship of his uncle Goro (who may or
may not be having a relationship with a cool race car driving dude
named Hiroshi…although I can never tell if that was the producers
intent or if that is just how things are viewed from an adult
perspective, although this film contains very little in the way of a
female presence save for those bizarre dancers in Seatopia, and some
girly mag pin-ups tacked to the interior of a truck). Anyway, Goro
creates a friend for Rokuro in the form of the super robot Jet
Jaguar, and Jet Jaguar is everything that I postulated above; he
appears nigh indestructible, he’s always available, and he’s
always happy to be around Rokuro (due to that aforementioned sculpted
rictus), things that parents cannot always be, but what most children
would ideally love to experience. He also has a groovy-ass theme song
that commands punching.
And while the screenwriters gave ol’
Jet the qualities of the super-father figure, his aesthetic design is
pure childhood wonder as well, and the reason he hits those notes
perfectly is that he was actually conceived by a child. As part of a
competition to generate a new hero to capitalize on some of that
sweet, sweet Ultraman cash, Toho decided to let the fan-base (i.e.
some young kids) conceptualize their new hero. From the fiery ashes
of that heated battle came the award winning creation of an
elementary school student/design god/hit with the ladies (implied,
but c’mon you know to this day he uses the ol’ “Want to see my
magically growing robot?” line which has to be a real chick magnet)
entitled 
Red Arone (though I’ve seen that spelled Red Alone as
well…either way that name doesn’t really possess the Rock n’
Roll tanginess of what they eventually rechristened the ‘bot); a
robot that was seemingly the result of putting Ultraman, Mazinger and
a few Crayola crayons in a blender (though judging by the name
perhaps only the red crayon was used originally…or maybe that “R”
and “L” switcheroo happened here as well and the character’s
name was actually Led Arone, which would make him metal as all
hell…wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, the kid
creating Jet Jaguar…).
Red Arone (though I’ve seen that spelled Red Alone as
well…either way that name doesn’t really possess the Rock n’
Roll tanginess of what they eventually rechristened the ‘bot); a
robot that was seemingly the result of putting Ultraman, Mazinger and
a few Crayola crayons in a blender (though judging by the name
perhaps only the red crayon was used originally…or maybe that “R”
and “L” switcheroo happened here as well and the character’s
name was actually Led Arone, which would make him metal as all
hell…wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, the kid
creating Jet Jaguar…).
So with all of that taken into
consideration, it’s easy to see why Jet Jaguar struck a chord not
only with a young creep like myself, but with my entire coffin club
o’ fiends n’ ghouls. And I’d wager, deep down in that
coal-black, cynical lump of sarcastic spite you call a heart you dig
Jet and his pals too, and hopefully someday you’ll be able to
proclaim that admiration without fear of rebuttal from your fellow
Godzilla fanatics! Or maybe you actually do hate him, either way you
read this whole thing so I WIN! Now, someday if you’re lucky I’ll
tell you why the Smog Monster is freakin’ killer as well!
***
The self proclaimed Ouija Board Kid, Daniel XIII is the result of an
arcane ritual involving a bowl of Count Chocula, stag films, and a stack
of Son of Satan comics. Ol' XIII is a staff writer for both The
Retroist and Photon City News, as well as the sexy and talented author
of bat-shit crazy horror novella THE HOUSE OF THIRTEEN DOORS.
